I use to keep a journal and I have done that since I was a freshman. How ever my journals from high school were lost thanks to my mom. I was reading over my journal from when I was in the Military stationed in Italy. Where I met some of my best friends, Bella, Marvin, and Manny. You know what the great things about these friends is that even if we don’t speak to each other for months or years, when we do talk, its like no time has past at all.

You know what is crazy is while reading my old journal, I realized that I was or well I am in love with the idea of love. I am a romantic person by nature. I am realize that I let people’s opinion of me and what they think affect what I think of myself.

Funny, because I love myself. I had a guy tell me that he liked me for all the right reasons but couldn’t be with me for all the wrong reasons. I guess for him I wasn’t pretty even, he said that I didn’t look like Beyoncé. I have been told that NO ONE will ever love me or want to marry me. I tend to love all the wrong guys. This guy was shallow and I’m not saying that its wrong to be shallow, but I am obviously looking for something deeper, not someone who is so obsessed with looks that is the only thing that matters. I am more than how I look, and want to be with someone who is deeper than looks.

I had a guy tell me that we want different things in life, and he wasn’t ready for what I wanted. He said that I wanted the white picket fence with 2.5 kids and he wanted to be free that he wants to be friends. So I left and months after that conversation this guy calls and apologizes and wants to date me. What do I say? I said that we want different things in life. I don’t want to date anyone at this moment in my life I am focusing on school not a man. He still calls me every so often.

I had a guy tell me that I was crazy and he could never be with me. He said this to me after I showed up to his place because I was having a difficult time with the passing of my stepfather. I saw him in the parking lot and immediately started crying.

I had a guy tell me that I am too picky that I was never going to find a man and get married. He said that he worried about me all the time because he doesn’t want me to die alone. And being the smartass that I am I replied death is not a group activity and we were all going to die alone in a sense.. My stepfather said this to me in one of the last conversations that we had and I think about that conversation often.

I had a guy break up with me because he thought that I was trying to be with his best friend. This guy got engaged to a girl after me and he walked in on her and his best friend smashing in the living room. (I’m not sure if it was actually the living room but none the less) A year later this guy is engaged to his best friends sister. This guy called me 2 days before his wedding to try to get me to leave the guy I was with saying that I will never have what me and him have. I told him that he is right me and the new guy will never have what we had.

These experience, even though they bruised my ego, not that I really had a big ego anyway. I always thought I was average in the looks department and the lack of confidence didn’t really help. My confidence is still shaky I can admit it, I don’t know how to take a compliment, and most of the time I think that who ever is saying the compliment is full of crap any way. That however doesn’t translate into my professional life as I am very confident in my work ethic and believe in hard work. I get offended when people talk poorly about my work ethic.

I learned that sometimes that the people you care about the most are often the cruelest. I am strong having to deal with those situations. I read a lot and a book that I read at least once or twice every year is a book called The Four Agreements. I will write a blog about that book when I read it on the first. It definitely helps that and Russ. I been listening to Russ for a minute.