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Thoughts while traveling

Where to start?

What am I doing right now as I type this out? Well, a great question I’m in the Miami International Airport on my way back to my little apartment in Brandon, FL. All while I am dancing in my seat listening to my traveling mix on Spotify. But back to the real reason, I am writing this.

Do you ever feel like your mind is running a mile a minute, but your body is like bitch sit your ass down?

I have that feeling right now. Going on vacation for 3 weeks was great but now as I am making my way back home, God all I’m thinking about is all the shit I forgot to do before I left.

Right now in particular I am thinking about how I completely forgot to throw my honeydew melon, and I PRAY that I don’t have fruit flies because they are the worst and hard to get rid of.

*~*~*Open to suggestions on getting rid of them if you know. Leave a comment!!!! PLEASE*~*~*

Or how I think that I left my patio door open. Or praying that the package that was inconveniently delivered to my apartment even after I had my mail put on hold and asked for it, to be held is still at my front door not destroyed by the rain, especially since I have been waiting on this package since NOV!

I love traveling, but I hate the getting there part. The crowds, the crying kids which I understand they are babies, the delayed flights, the people that DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SAY EXCUSE ME apparently that is fucking foreign even to Americans.

And personally fucking boundaries people CHEESE AND RICE PEOPLE!!! They don’t fucking exist when traveling. If I want someone up my ass all the time, I would get a man, dog, or have a kid. MAYBE ALL 3!!!

 

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To My MHR GIRLS!!!

No one has the power to shatter your dreams unless you give it to them!!! 

 

Every group of friends has that one experience that, no matter where you are you carry it with you for life. I don’t know what the future will bring, joy, pain, love, heartbreak, but right now its bright. The one thing I know for sure is, my girls will be there for it all, to guide, give advice, or just be that listening soul and tell me everything is going to be alright. You give me the permission to be who I am, and I am going to be me. We are going to be us – Fun, Loving, Laughing, Worthy, Magical, Beautiful US!

 

I love you lovely ladies!!!

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Feeding and Walking My TIGER

Last week, I attended a personal growth retreat with the one and only Matthew Hussey. NO, it was not about my love life although a lot of what he said could definitely translate into my love life. I decided to go because I felt stuck.
Stuck in a dead-end job.
Trapped in a dead-end cycle of unhappiness then briefly happy.
Stuck knowing that I was not following my heart or my passion.
Stuck Self-doubting, not trusting myself, and thinking that every negative thing that every person said to me was true.
I was just stuck and overwhelmed at life, in life. I learned that I am so much more than I could have asked of myself.  I learned that shitty things happened in my life that I cant change but if I didn’t experience them that I would not be the loving, caring and strong woman that I am today. I am THANKFUL for that little girl that helped me become that amazing woman that I am. I am more than enough and that I can do more than I could ever imagine I just have to STOP doubting myself, my abilities, my drive, but most of all MY AWESOMENESS.  I am amazingly talented and I just have to believe in myself.

I’m learning to not tame my tiger and feed, grow, and inspire that beast inside me. I’m taking back my life. I’m going to take chances and let shit go!

I want to Thank Matthew Hussey, his amazing team, and the amazing group of ladies that I had the pleasure of meeting. 

 

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I am my own biggest cheerleader!!!!

If you ever work out with me in the gym. You will always hear me say YOU WILL NOT AND CAN NOT OUTWORK ME!!!! And I know it doesn’t win people over but I have learned that your opinion is none of my business.

If there is one thing that I have learned in the last few years is, you have to be your own biggest cheerleader because no one is there for the dark struggles. You need to be able to pick yourself up and keep pushing. No, I’m not saying that your friends suck or that your family is not going to be there for you. What I am saying is that when you go home and you are alone with your thoughts that is when you need to be that cheerleader.

You have to be brave enough to chase that dream, even if the people closest to you think you are crazy or don’t believe in your vision. Example when I designed my SS18 shoes, I heard, those are bobo shoes, I don’t like them. Fast forward to the delivery of my baby, I pulled them out the box and cried because I was so overwhelmed by the thought that Damn these are MINE! I MADE THESE. This is my creation one of a kind, no one has these. The same people that were saying that they were not what was up, were the first ones to say that they are Dope. 

ITS YOUR VISION, God gave it to you for a reason! No one owes you anything! 

I am crazy enough to think that I can change the world and I have every intention to do just that. I look in the mirror every morning and I look into my eyes and say I TRUST YOU I BELIEVE IN YOU! At first

Would love to you what you think

 

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Thank you for your response. ✨

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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

This is my very first post. I have been putting off this blog for months, no let me be honest really it has been years that I have been putting off actually writing a blog to share with the world or at the least with close friends.

I love to write, it was for a long time a way for me to vent all my frustrations. The back story to my writing is my high school freshman English teacher at Fairview High School in Fairview TN. Whose name escapes me at this moment, but when I close my eyes and think about her I see her face clear as yesterday.

Our weekly assignment was to write at least three pages in a notebook. At first, I thought it was stupid then after thinking about it I was like what am I going to write about three pages worth of writing. She made it easy she said we could write about anything so naturally I just wrote about my day and my thoughts in soon I was writing more than three pages.

I continue to write to my freshman English teacher in those notebooks well after I graduated and she would write her comments and her thoughts and in a way I found a piece a of me in my writing.

Through the years, I have not written as much but sporadically here and there I write about the day or my feelings.

Recently I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety with PTSD. And I started writing. Where I work now I meet a girl name Sam and I love Sam to death and I showed her something that I had written. The response I got from her was not one that I really expected. She had read what I wrote and she looked at me and said don’t take this the wrong way but I’m glad that you feel that way because it lets me know that I’m not the only one. I feel less alone.

Something in her response to me about what I had written, which I will share with you guy, really got me thinking what if there are more people like this we feel this way and feel alone when in reality were not alone.

Sam’s response to me Made me think and then of course I talk to my best friend Manny and told him what had happened and told him that you know I was thinking about starting a blog and of course as best friends do you said why don’t you, what are you going to call it, send me the link and he still text me about this blog so

As I go into my 33rd year I decided that I’m going to do the things that I keep saying that I want to do but I keep putting off. This blog is one of them along with another hundred or so things that I want to do.

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Six week Weightloss Challenge @ work

Tomorrow we are starting our weight loss challenge. I’m about to go hard for the next 6 weeks. Stay tuned for the daily workout videos and meals, started Sunday. 🙂

This is the plan for the first 4 weeks I found it on Self.com

2019 New Year's Challenge Calendar

Domestic violence

Anyone that has read my blog knows that I was a victim of DV. DV doesn’t care about your economic situation, your race, or your educational level.

The most dangerous time in a volatile situation with an abuser is when you decide to leave them because they are losing their power and the control that they have had over you.

I use to be ashamed and self-blame. It has been a long road to getting mentally stable after the ordeal. I use to worry about the “Label” that I would get if anyone found out that I was a DV victim. How would it affect me professionally? How would people see me if they knew? Over my healing process, I realize that talking about it is a way for me to heal. I am a Survivor, not a Victim. I am a Survivor because I don’t let that situation define who I am. It will get better, you will get stronger, you will have good days and you will have bad days BUT you will make it through it. Have Faith God Got You!

First post of the new year

Well it’s 9 days into the new year and I’m on my first international flight of the year to Shanghai China. Which is coming 5 days late due to inclement weather here in New York but I did get to spend time with my favorite cousin and the only cousin that I really talk to.

I realize that our family is different well mine is anyway. You see I don’t feel the need to tell my family my flight plans or any plans really for that matter. Weird I know right. I talk to my mom maybe once a month, if I’m sick maybe more but I could go months without talking to my mom but my brother Chris I call him at least 2 times a week. He has my only nephew and I can’t see myself not wanting to be in his life. And although I have never met my nephew, I love him to pieces and wish that I could be in a position to travel to see him for ever birthday he has but at this moment in life I can’t but I know that it will come soon. The come up is coming soon, when I’ll be able to travel to see my nephew, brother and sister regardless of where they are. I just have to be patient and faithful in the plan God has for me.

Thinking about life to this point

I use to keep a journal and I have done that since I was a freshman. How ever my journals from high school were lost thanks to my mom. I was reading over my journal from when I was in the Military stationed in Italy. Where I met some of my best friends, Bella, Marvin, and Manny. You know what the great things about these friends is that even if we don’t speak to each other for months or years, when we do talk, its like no time has past at all.

You know what is crazy is while reading my old journal, I realized that I was or well I am in love with the idea of love. I am a romantic person by nature. I am realize that I let people’s opinion of me and what they think affect what I think of myself.

Funny, because I love myself. I had a guy tell me that he liked me for all the right reasons but couldn’t be with me for all the wrong reasons. I guess for him I wasn’t pretty even, he said that I didn’t look like Beyoncé. I have been told that NO ONE will ever love me or want to marry me. I tend to love all the wrong guys. This guy was shallow and I’m not saying that its wrong to be shallow, but I am obviously looking for something deeper, not someone who is so obsessed with looks that is the only thing that matters. I am more than how I look, and want to be with someone who is deeper than looks.

I had a guy tell me that we want different things in life, and he wasn’t ready for what I wanted. He said that I wanted the white picket fence with 2.5 kids and he wanted to be free that he wants to be friends. So I left and months after that conversation this guy calls and apologizes and wants to date me. What do I say? I said that we want different things in life. I don’t want to date anyone at this moment in my life I am focusing on school not a man. He still calls me every so often.

I had a guy tell me that I was crazy and he could never be with me. He said this to me after I showed up to his place because I was having a difficult time with the passing of my stepfather. I saw him in the parking lot and immediately started crying.

I had a guy tell me that I am too picky that I was never going to find a man and get married. He said that he worried about me all the time because he doesn’t want me to die alone. And being the smartass that I am I replied death is not a group activity and we were all going to die alone in a sense.. My stepfather said this to me in one of the last conversations that we had and I think about that conversation often.

I had a guy break up with me because he thought that I was trying to be with his best friend. This guy got engaged to a girl after me and he walked in on her and his best friend smashing in the living room. (I’m not sure if it was actually the living room but none the less) A year later this guy is engaged to his best friends sister. This guy called me 2 days before his wedding to try to get me to leave the guy I was with saying that I will never have what me and him have. I told him that he is right me and the new guy will never have what we had.

These experience, even though they bruised my ego, not that I really had a big ego anyway. I always thought I was average in the looks department and the lack of confidence didn’t really help. My confidence is still shaky I can admit it, I don’t know how to take a compliment, and most of the time I think that who ever is saying the compliment is full of crap any way. That however doesn’t translate into my professional life as I am very confident in my work ethic and believe in hard work. I get offended when people talk poorly about my work ethic.

I learned that sometimes that the people you care about the most are often the cruelest. I am strong having to deal with those situations. I read a lot and a book that I read at least once or twice every year is a book called The Four Agreements. I will write a blog about that book when I read it on the first. It definitely helps that and Russ. I been listening to Russ for a minute.

 

 

Surgery

Well about a week after I came back from my cruise I ended up in the hospital in excruciating pain in my stomach. It turned out to be appendicitis which required surgery to remove my appendix. That was horrible especially since I am still in pain even after the surgery. Sometimes it feels like my body is turning against me but I’m like a cat 🐱 🦁 I feel like I have 9 lives lol.