Belonging

Belonging                                                                                                                   June 30, 2017

 

 

Every feel like you are alone in a crowd room. Or worst feel like your feelings are irrational and no one understands you. As much as you want someone to understand the pain that you are going through no one could possibly get you. I have suffered from depression for many years and for years I have masked my feelings and cried alone. I cry every day, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have this feeling of not being worthy of love. The basic emotion that as a child you learn from your mother. The one person that is supposed to love you unconditional and despite anything that you do or what you become.

I have an uncanny ability to love even when I know that I shouldn’t. I’m scared to have a child even though that is something that I want with every being of my soul, every fiber of my body but then I think if I did I’m I going to lose my ability to love unconditional. So, I love the children of my friends and care deeply and love unconditionally my only nephew.

I just want to be “normal”, I just want to feel like I am worthy of being loved. When you grow up always feelings that you have to prove that you are enough for the basic emotion of love.

At times I’m tired of being weird or strange, but then I think about how conformity is the number one killer of peoples dreams and goals. These days I don’t really get excited about many things if anything, I have 5 classes until I get my BS in cybersecurity but because I can’t afford the tuition I will finish the classes and will not actually get my degree in paper form. People say I should be excited but I’m not but I will leave that for another blog latter.